The word “Mandatory” and how it affected me.

Dear diary, i’ve been dealing with some issues that i’m not going to go into out of respect for the people involved. But to top that, i found myself in a situation where i had, H A D to go and do something i did not feel comfortable doing. Before you ask yourself “Then why didn’t you say something? I did, i asked a couple people if this was “Mandatory” and they replied “yes”. To one of those peeps i said ” Well it should not be” and that was the end of it. I also made it clear with words coming out of my mouth “I don’t wanna do this”. It was brushed off as probably a joke or something but my tone was serious. I’m a person of few words and when i say something’s probaby cuz it’s important.

Here is a fun note, when i go early to places is not mainly because i want to be early (that’s part of it) But it has become more of a habit that i forced myself into over the years. You know what there isn’t in the streets when its really early? People, the streets are empty. 🌈the more you know 🌈.
So on top of what was going on already in my life, i have to worry about doing things that are mandatory. Like going out in a group to look for unicorns and candy bars. I get the “purpose” of it but you can’t achieve “that purpose” if the people involved are affected or feel uncomfortable doing this stuff. It will have the opposite effect on people like me. Having to pretend i’m ok, “going along” with this fake attitude of “let’s do this” when all i wanted was to sit down and look at some flowers.

I feel like people just generalize and throw everything and everyone into a huge bowl of cereal and be like “Yeah, figure it out…trust me it’s for your own good”. Like, why am i even covered in cereal and why honey nuts cheeries of all of em? There is “What if someone is lactose intolerant or allergic to the sound of cereal”?
Idk, i feel like this could have been better if for one second someone took the time to be like “maybe this should not be mandatory for everyone, we are all different and some ppl might feel uncomfortable doing this”.

I survived and we found the unicorn and some snacks but here is where things got worst.
I went to this place called Jiggy Land Puzzle Party and what you do here is well… you dome some jiggies! So in my head i’m like “This ain’t that bad” and then boom. I’m in a dark room, doors locked, lights out and with some tiny flashlights. There is a couple of us inside and we have to find the jiggies and make a puzzle in less than an hour. To me this sounds like a horror movie and trust me it was. I had to calm myself down thinking “ahh this is just like playing the forest, or outlast … wait no..outlast is scary and so is this” and to make things worst, there was no Air conditioning on that room, it was like sauna but with the lights off and maybe some monsters hiding in the walls or under the bed and yes..there was a bed. Covered in blood, the walls had some writing in blood as well. Don’t ask me, this Jiggy place was really weird.

So in my head i’m like “ok i’m just gonna stand here and pretend im ok, then an hour later i can get out” and boi did that not work at all. My head started to spin with all the issues/drama i have going on in my life plus being locked in a dark room with flashing lights i’m like…….well guess i’ll just die. I have a history of seizures but i guess nobody thought of that. so i started helping with the jiggies. That way we can get out of there quick. The problem is, the longer i say the worst it gets in my head so i’m having this internal battle of “just dont freak the fucc out, think of something else” and that did not help at all. All these thoughts going tru my head in a closed space was the worst experience i’ve had in two and a half years, how do i know it was two an a half years? Cuz i had seizures back then and that was the worst thing but this, oh boy. This was a mix of having a seizure, 5 panic attacks and someone stealing you lemonade.
I hope nobody in the future has to go tru’ that.
After we finished the jiggie, the door open and in my head i’m like RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN. But if i did it will prob freak everyone else so i just walked out and got into restroom where i splashed water on my face, tried not to scream and calm myself before coming out. When i got out of the restroom i knew there was a clown sitting in a room holding a cake and we were supposed to sit down and eat some cake with the clown but i’m like “no, i’m out”. Some peeps insisted on me going there to hang out with the clown but i was like “yeah, no,no no no no no no no no no no no ” and then walked outside to grab some air. There was this one dood who probably noticed and went outside to talk to me about whatever, to that dood. You are the best, you have no idea what you just did by just talking to me outside.  After that i saw a shooting star.

Then i got into my car, cried, drove home, got home, cried some more and started writing this entry on my diary at the same time.
My advice for anyone reading this is, if you don’t feel comfortable doing something, do NOT do it. You will feel horrible before/during and after you do it.
Treasure yourself, you are special and nobody can say otherwise.